What to do? What to do?

Well, it is getting to be that time of year.

Vacation time!

Less than a month to go.  I have already started lists, made piles of stuff to take, and so forth.

Now, these fierce headaches I have been getting are slowing me down.  I DON"T LIKE THAT.  Usually, I can just keep on doing while suffering the headache, since it is constant, but these headaches are vicious.  I can't bend over.  I can't move quickly (not that that happens all that often! lol).  I can't change my position from sitting to standing or vice versa.  I can't finish a thought, let alone a project.  When it feels like the whole side of your head is being torn open, you (well, me...) just cannot move for those few minutes.  Maybe only seconds, but they feel like minutes. And they LAST for minutes, even after the initial attack.  It is not easy to predict when they are going to hit - sometimes, I expect one to and it doesn't happen.  Other times, one hits out of the blue and stops me cold.  Living in fear of an 'attack' is not fun.

But - I cannot get into vacation mode while this is happening!!  I WANT to be in vacation mode!!  I have things to do, lists to make, things to pack, clothes to pick out and put aside to pack!!  I am 'in charge' of this vacation for my family, and I feel next to useless after one of these hit, and am afraid to move and bring one on, since I don't know when to expect the next big hit.  I also seem to be swollen.  Everywhere.  My shoulder got very, very sore as I was walking and shopping with my sister yesterday.  I know my purse is heavy, but that just does not happen.  My sister also told me that, to her, I LOOK swollen all over.  I know for a fact that my hands, fingers, ankles, and feet are a bit swollen all the time anymore, and that is another worry. AND I have been having sugar lows during the night.  Once, my level was down to 50!!  Hoping that Doc agrees to take me off one of my meds for diabetes, since I have it under much better control, but that has to wait til the 18th!!  I wish I would be losing the weight the not-eating should be bringing on...but that's a whole nother story.

I will do what I can, when I can, as I can.  I will keep writing my lists and adding to them as needed (or as I remember stuff...) and the vacation will be what it is.  But, damn, I wish I felt like me.

Headaches are a pain in the ass

I have had headaches just about my entire life.  Anyone who knows me, knows this.  It is a fact.  I have a constant headache.  Always.  Dull.  Ache.  Always.

I went to a neurologist after neurologist trying to find out why.  One finally did a CT Scan and an MRI, and found the reason.  I have abnormal veins/arteries in my brain.  After the main artery branches out, the veins on the right side of my head are not big, full veins allowing good blood flow.  I start a regimen of drugs. Finally, one neurologist and I both agree on what to do: drugs to control the pain, and to help hold the blood vessel open.  There is nothing else to do, since I refuse to even think about brain surgery.

I do this for a few years, then Ron's insurance kicks me off, since I am working in a place that offers their own health insurance.  Yipes!  So, all the drugs I am on that you are supposed to be weaned off of, are suddenly not refilled, and I have a mini meltdown, going through a type of withdrawal.  After I am finally through all of that, I am now basically drug-free but for OTC meds, and I am now dealing with the constant  headaches again.  Nothing I haven't done before!

Now, I am having worse and worse - fierce, I call them - headaches.  It feels like someone (something?) is stabbing a pair of scissors, or a small paring knife, or an ice pick into my forehead above my right eye, then tearing it around the corner to and through my temple.  This HURTS.  Sometimes, it is debilitating.  I cannot, absolutely, positively cannot move while this [makes hand gestures] is going through my head.  And I am sure that I whine like a sick puppy as it is happening, too.  I am so glad that they subside - though the pain is still in my forehead - from the radiating.  If the radiating continued nonstop, I would be in the loony bin.

I called my doctor.  I can't get an appointment to see him until the first week of July.  Good thing I already have one for a sugar check on June 18th!  I am very picky about seeing this doctor every time I go - I hate going to different doctors.  I feel that I am just another body to them, but to my doc, I am ME.  I have been going to see him for a long, long time - at least 30 years, if not more.  He moved from his practice to an office with other doctors and a nurse practitioner, but I am very careful to only schedule us with him.  Last time I was ill (early March), I ended up seeing another doctor and he prescribed me antibiotics for a viral infection.

I did some research on the Internet, and here is what I have concluded:

When I first started my research, the Cluster Headache kinda - just kinda - sounded like what is happening, but not just quite.  Most of the symptoms did not fit, although some did.  I kept researching, and, FINALLY, I found the condition called Hemicrania Continua.  Means, basically, "half of your head hurts constantly."  HA!!  All but one of the symptoms fit what is happening, and I think that last one would be covered as the 'attack' is happening, but I cannot see it then.

Anyway, after my research on the web, I called back to Doc's office and explained what I thought I had.  They will leave him a message, and someone will get back with me tomorrow.  They did call back this morning, and he will not just prescribe me a med without seeing this problem, and I should call a neurologist.
Sigh.  I have gone down this road before, and do not really want to go down it again.  But, after another morning of not being able to move without this [makes hand gestures] happening, I feel that I must.  So, I call and make an appointment.  For June 3rd.  Well, it's better than June 18th (and then going to the neurologist), but it's still over a week away!

I also think that the blood thinners and blood pressure meds the heart doctors put me on after the mild heart attack I had January 24th have, somehow, caused some troubles with the weird blood vessels in my brain and are the reason this is happening.  Of course, I have no way to prove that and will have to wait and see what the neurologist (God, I hope he isn't one I went to before, especially not the one who was scared shitless of the broach/pin of a raggedy doll I was wearing that day!) says and if he will talk to the heart doctors and figure something out.  I fully expect he will just start me on another drug - the one all my research is the only thing that helps the Hemicrania Continua condition - and I will be okay with that.

I feel a bit better, just for having made the appointment.

We shall see.

My heart is hurting...

My heart has felt very heavy over the last month or so.

I am not sure why.  I am certainly 'over' the passing of my dad.  It's been over two and a half years, and I still get a pang - a sharp heavy pang - when I get a piece of mail addressed to him.  My mother and all my grandparents have been gone for quite a while.  Luckily, there have not been any deaths of my generation or the next one - not from lack of trying (none recently, thank God) in both of these generations.

Mostly, I think, from missing my maternal grandmother - and this year, her birthday fell on Mother's Day.  That was always special.  A special Special Day for a special woman.  Even though I did not realize how special she was, and how good she was to her grandchildren, until I was an adult with my own life, family, house, etc., etc.  Just knowing those two days fall together makes my heart swell with love for her.

With Spring actually being Spring this year, it makes everything a little different, also.  You can dress for cool temperatures and rain when you get up in the morning, but by evening, you have melted from the sunshine and then slid home on ice.  Ahhhh, Spring in the Ohio Valley.  Don't like the weather?  Wait a bit - it WILL change.
So, with these uncertainties on top of knowing what special days were coming up - not just Mother's Day/Mamma's birthday, but also our 36th anniversary just a couple of days later, my heart just did not know whether to be happy or sad.  Add to that mix all the strange happenings in my own life this year - losing my job, having a heart attack, getting a 'seasonal' job that only lasted 8 days and the wreck it made of my health, dealing with the financial difficulties that losing a job brings, planning a family vacation, re-learning how to not go to work, and so forth - and I think my poor old heart is just plain old confused.

So, I have chosen to dwell on the happy occurrences and let the sadder aspects go.  They are over with, and I can't change them, so they are history!  Ta-da!

Until today, anyway.

Today I have failed myself and my youngest sister, as well as other people.  I don't think I will be able to forget this for quite a while.
I got a text today, asking me to call my dad's girlfriend (ladyfriend?) because she wants to know where he is.  O M G.  I absolutely froze.  I texted back, no.  NO.  I can't do it.  And thus started a text conversation about why can't I? and I just can't answer that.  Here I am, thinking that she has Alzheimer's or dementia or something and just can't find him.  And I am frozen - there is no way in Hell that I can just tell her that he is dead.  I just can't!!!!  Many texts later, I come to the conclusion that she wants to know where he is - as in Where is he buried? and I feel a little better, but still ashamed of my cowardly ways.
 The reason she didn't know where he is buried is that he had donated his body to science, and when the UC College of Medicine was 'done' with him, they buried him with other donors.  I can't remember the name of the place - Silver Grove?  Sacred Heart?  I have to look up the letter from UC College of Medicine when I get home (I was running errands as all this happened) and it is Spring Grove Cemetery.  They don't give the address, but I am pretty sure it is on Montgomery Road.  It is a H U G E cemetery.  He is in the 'donor' section

I am so mad at myself.  I am very thankful that my "fragile" (she is one of the aforementioned this generation) baby sister could handle this much better than I could, but there was no reason to put her through it.

My heart is heavy. My mind, my thoughts, my brain are all blazing, railing at me, inside my head.  I AM a failure and  this fact is drummed into me once again.

How do I get over this?  Step by step, minute by minute, day by day, etc.  The happy times/happenings/events will eventually push this away, and until then, I must live with it.  I think I'll go bake something.

The difference a year makes

I have been in a very contemplative mood over the last couple of weeks.  Doing some deep thinking, and boy, the difference between last year and this year is amazing.


                 May 14, 2012.  Our 35th wedding anniversary.
                  I held a steady, if now part-time, job.  I felt absolutely great about me and the things I do/did for my family.
                 We were preparing for going to weddings!  My baby brother (who had reached the age of 42!) has a wedding date of June 16 and my nephew (well, one of them) has a wedding date of August 18.  This wedding will be in Portland, OR and will be a combined going-to-the-wedding and a vacation.  How excited we were!  We will get to add the states of Utah (plane change), Oregon and Washington (side trip to Seattle).  AND we'll get to play in the Pacific Ocean!
                We had good, reliable vehicles.  Although Ron's truck was old, it was what he drove back and forth to work, and to take his Zero Turn to do some mowing jobs for a bit of extra money.  It definitely had a few little problems (like NO heater - well, a piss warm heater) but was his ol' dependable.
                Although I had a stroke (a mini-stroke) in August 2010, I was recovering quite nicely and getting some strength back.  My left side is still slower than my right side, but all-in-all, everything with my body, even though there is waaaaay too much of it, is coming together.

Remember - we live out in the boonies.  The closest town to us is four miles away - any direction.  My son lives 25 miles from us, even further out in the boonies.  Although he lives in a small town, it is at least 30 miles to civilization, meaning work, shopping, entertainment, etc. We chose where we live, though, and we like it for the most part.


At that time, between our house and my son's house, we had 3 vehicles to get 6 people back and forth to work and school.  It worked out okay - my son Josh drove my car - we worked in the same place, so he picked me up on the days I worked and just drove my car home.  My sister Jean and daughter-in-law Chelle took turns driving her truck to take Corgan to school, and Chelle to work.  Some inclement days, she just drove to work; others, Jean took her and went and picked her up.  Ron drove his truck.
THEN, Ron's truck started quitting on him as he was driving down the road.  He just could NOT figure out this problem. Sometimes he would 'fix' it and it would run fine for a day or two, then start this quitting business again.  He had to ask a co-worker to come and get him and bring him home every day. Okay, we are down to 2 vehicles to ferry 6 people.
THEN, the deer played hell with our vehicles. One Saturday evening, Jean went to visit friends and, on the way home, deer were at the side of the road.  Jean slowed down, but the car behind her did NOT.  The hood of that car ended up touching the back tires of Jean's truck, under the bed!  Jean was ok, thank God, but now her truck is totaled. A couple days later, after the insurance got done playing around, she was free to go find a 'new' vehicle, which she did.  Okay, we are down to 1 vehicle for 6 people.  The day that Josh was to pick her up after work, he dropped me off and went to go get her.  He chose to go home a different route, so that he could drive past and make sure that her 'new' vehicle was ready to go, and on the way, deer ran across the road in front of him and he cleaned out the ditch to miss them.   He managed to drive my car back here, to my house, while I went out his regular route looking for him! Finally he let me know he was back at my house, and I returned. We decided to turn this in to our insurance, cause the side of the car was a mess.  We drove it up to a shop in town and the insurance people went there and checked it out.  They totaled it!  We were flabbergasted!  So surprised - we definitely did not expect that!  So, now we are down to 0 cars for all this running we must do.
Luckily, Jean managed to take a taxi to get her 'new' vehicle, and she came to my house to pick Josh up.  So, we are back to at least 1 vehicle.

Ron and I made the decision to take money out of his 401(k) to get us vehicles.  This was a very tough decision, because, even though he has this, it is not the best of savings for our future.  But something had to be done, and soon!  We figured that we would be able to buy one vehicle and make a nice down payment on another.  So, we did.  Whew - we are back to 3 vehicles!
This was a very stressful time for all of us.  But we made it through it!

On January 2, we (Josh and I) returned to work after the holidays. I was told, "don't come back tomorrow" along with most of the people in the factory.  Josh got to keep coming in to work as they were closing down because of the department(s) he was in.  So, now, I am unemployed - I call it 'retired' even though technically I am too young to retire. Certainly didn't expect that.  We all knew the plant would close at some point this year, but not the first day of work in the new year! Wow.
I do what I was supposed to, and it takes almost a month for my unemployment to kick in.  Boy, what a difference not having my dinky paycheck made!
On January 24, we went out to dinner with friends.  On the way home, I started having a strange naggy pain under my left armpit.  When we got home, Ron went to bed and I played around on the computer.  Around 11, I went to bed also, but that pain was still there and just would. not. go. away., so I got back up and checked WebMD on the computer.  EVERYTHING I read said, "go to the ER" so I eventually woke Ron up after midnight, and off we went.
After a blue zillion tests - blood tests, EKGs, finger sticks (to check my sugar), x-rays, and all kinds of things, they told me that my enzymes were elevated and that meant that I have had a heart attack.  WHAT????  They were going to admit me to the hospital, but were going to wait til after the morning shift change.  So I laid on that hardass ER room bed for a couple more hours. After a visit from a cardiologist, they have now decided to send me to a different hospital, so that I can have another test (that they can't do).  So, finally, an ambulance shows up to take me and off I go.  There, the test happens and they end up putting 4 stents in me.  FOUR!!  So, I stayed the night in the hospital and they let me go home the next day.  The doctors said I was very lucky, that I came to hospital as soon as I did, or it could have been a lot worse.

Mid-February, Josh and Chelle got their tax return, and finally found them a car.  Yay!  Now we have 4 vehicles (and one less person running...).

We start thinking about vacation.  We have not had a nice family vacation for a few years, that all of us could go on together.  Josh & Chelle had not been able to go to Oregon with us last year, because of when Josh was off work and they were still cleaning up after that.  Just Ron, Jean, Corgan, and I had gone.  I have been going to Gatlinburg with my friend and her family - an all-girls trip, in a big cabin that doesn't cost all of us much - and Gatlinburg was one of the ideas that came up for us this year.  I checked into the cabins for us, and we decided that this is where we want to go.  We asked around family and friends, because the more people sharing the cabin, the less it costs.  We have ended up with 7 adults going, and Corgan.
We are all set to go in June - the cabin has been rented, and plans have started to be made.

SO:
           May 14, 2013.  Our 36th anniversary.
           I am 'retired.'  Unemployed, and am thinking that I will probably not every really work again.  I got a 'seasonal' job that lasted 8 days, as opposed to the 4-6 weeks they told me, and it just about did me in.  I am OLD.  It may be time to seriously think about disability when my unemployment runs out.
           We are preparing for vacation.  Just a quiet (yeah, right) enjoyable time away.
           We have good, reliable vehicles.  We went through a special kind of hell to get the vehicles that we have now, but they are less than 10 years old - both of them! - and should go and go and go for quite a few years, barring accidents and DEER.
            Although I have now had both a stroke and a heart attack, my health is good.  I am still overweight, but I have my diabetes under much better control (stress is gone!) and I feel good most days.  Sometimes, I get a bit depressed and feel useless, but that is normal in any woman's life.  I am getting used to working with the monies we have now, and have almost caught everything up that fell behind the beginning of the year.
             We have a new baby in the family.  One of my nieces gave birth the end of March, and there is another baby coming in June.  They are both boys!  Jean and I even got to go to both of the baby showers! The new baby's dad (my nephew) is home from serving in the military overseas.  He is still in the military, but he is home, not deployed anywhere.  So, one sister and one brother have become grandparents again.
              Another of my brothers will be getting married in July.  This will be his fourth marriage, and I'm not sure if we will go to his wedding or not.  It would be nice, but with our monies the way they are, I am not sure we can afford to go so soon after vacation.  We shall see.

So, all I can say is - what a difference a year makes!!!!